Hump, Marry, Kill: It’s The End Of Breaking Bad As We Know It

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hmkPhoto: Courtesy of Frank Salinas/ABC Family; Courtesy of Frank Ockenfels/AMC; Courtesy of Melissa Moseley/HBO.
Hump: Katie: “It’s a long winter.” Lou: “It’s a short life.” I don’t even know what that means, but we’re clearly dealing with a true poet and a beautiful, sensitive soul here. Oh, The Vineyard, I wish I could quit you.

Marry: Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen all of Breaking Bad. I know; I call myself a TV fanatic? For shame. But I swear I’ll catch up, barring another random urge to rewatch season one of Skins or the Friday Night Lights finale again. This assertion is based mostly on the hilarious AMA Aaron Paul did this week and the ridiculously fun things he posts on Instagram. I realize he’s not actually Jesse Pinkman, but the IRL version’s gotta be even better than the fictional character who’s in the meth-making biz.

Kill: I realize she went through an extremely traumatic experience in Africa, but seriously, is Maggie on The Newsroom not the worst employee of all time? When she has actual work to do, like transcribing a 911 call that will become a key piece of evidence in one of the most important trials of the past decade, she omits key details. Why? Because she spends all day having hushed conversations with Jim about his own poor job performance, which again relates back to Maggie and his general failure with women.

I’d ask why they don’t get fired, but we’re talking about a newsroom, show, and network run by hysterical, erratic women who can’t seem to focus on their jobs when there are former love interests to spar/flirt with, naked pictures to be sent, and dark rooms in which to sit and spout vague phrases about life’s disappointments after said naked pictures become public knowledge. ACN’s key qualifier for female employees seems to be whether or not they’re stereotypical patients in a movie about Freud.

Maybe this isn’t the career or field for you, Maggie. Consider taking some time off to find yourself — or at least to find a new boyfriend who’s not also a coworker.

P.S. Aaron Sorkin, please don’t force us to watch the progress of a file download as a visual metaphor for the slow, frustrating breakdown of a relationship ever again. I don’t tune into TV shows for the escapism of watching someone’s Shockwave plug-in crash. That’s what real life is for.