Hump, Marry, Kill: The Rom-Commification Of Girls

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Hump: You know it’s taking every fiber of my being not to write about Nick Miller right here, because DID YOU SEE THE END OF NEW GIRL THIS WEEK?! I died like a million times. But, I will bravely soldier on since I realize law-school dropouts who work in bars and write zombie novels on the side are not everyone’s idea of a total dreamboat. (To which I say: What is wrong with you?)

And, by the above outburst, I mean I will soldier on enough to focus on Jess. Because seriously, you get it, girl.

Marry: Girls wrapped up its second season in a blaze of “Are we watching a complete rom-com here, or is Lena Dunham subverting stereotypical clichéd Hollywood performances of gender norms to make a statement about how audiences can be programmed to root for the ambiguous, less desirable ending instead of happily ever after? (Why yes, I did take a lot of gender studies courses in college, and only bits and pieces have remained in my porous, addled brain.) Also: Thanks for ruining Q-tipping my ears forever, Lena.

Marnie and Charlie are one of the “happy couples” in the finale, with each of them declaring their undying love for the other with totally endearing phrases like “I want to have your little brown babies,” “I want to make you a snack every night,” and “I want to watch you die.” Uh...romantic, I guess? Clearly, this will be a bumpy road, where Charlie will probably end up getting hurt again. You deserve better, you extremely tan, scruffy, handsome man.

Kill: This is like beating a dead horse, which is somewhat ironic because there is actually a live horse on the show, but 2 Broke Girls hit a new low this week — even for them. Max and Caroline get temp jobs — although it’s unclear how they manage to work 9 to 5 at an office and also be at the diner all the time — but the latter’s Wharton pedigree rears its ambitious head, and she decides to apply for a junior executive position at the company where they’re temping.

Not only does Caroline get the job in about an hour, but her promotion is announced in a grand office-wide celebration. If someone out there were to base her knowledge of how jobs and employment work on this show, she’d probably think that a magical job fairy akin to Oprah walks around tapping her wand on people’s shoulders saying, “You get a job! And, you get a job! CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Sure, as you wish!”

Anyway, Max doesn’t want Caroline to have an executive job because it means she’s given up on their cupcake business dream (although seriously, what is this, 2009? The cupcake market is entirely too saturated. Either switch to cake pops or whatever the dessert du jour is on Pinterest, or find a new non-baked-good-based goal in life). So, in a flawless display of maturity, Max tells HR that Caroline sexually harassed her.

I know I shouldn’t expect better from a show that has Kat Dennings making borderline rape and degradation “jokes” every week, but these claims aren’t taken lightly in workplaces today. Impressionable youths could be watching and thinking that crying “sexual harassment” is a great way to get people you don’t like fired without permanently destroying their future job prospects. Hasn’t Max read Lean In? This is not how women achieve their employment aspirations or support other females in the workplace. WWSSS (What would Sheryl Sandberg say)?

Photo: Courtesy of Ray Mickshaw/FOX; Courtesy of Jessica Miglio/HBO; Courtesy of Darren Michaels/Warner Bros